Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
I bet you don't know meCassie Audrey FIFTEEN. TAKEN, 030211. 130297.
LJ is everything to me. I like novels & the colour blue. I give (o) fucks to haters. I always get inspired by passionate people doing what they fancy about. I like to say what's on my mind, whether it bothers people or not.
— Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
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▼ Samantha Natasha Miles
▼ Captured Memories
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Monday, November 28, 2011
In another life, I would make you stay
I am taking things slowly in every angle I could. I don't want to rush things. Even though I knew time isn't going to wait. But in the end, everything turns out perfectly fine. Really. Baby and I are okay now. Back to where we used to.
I haven't been touching my laptop for days. Okay, maybe 3. I've been keeping myself occupied. So I didn't manage to update this blog of mine. Um, so. I should probably get a text from my friends by now, asking me "How are you? How's your holiday going?" like it has always been every year. But sadly, no. None of them text me. I feel so intimidate feeling like this. So solitude. Don't I exist anymore?
On Saturday morning. I went to Gerald & Vivian's wedding at St.Thomas and then went for their reception at 1Borneo Grand Ballroom on Sunday night. Their entrance was really beautiful. Their friends intro the entrance by dancing Sumazau the whole way in, then Gerald's little cousins, his brothers and Vivian's sisters came in followed by her parents, then Gerald's parents. And lastly, they dimmed the light. Gerald & Vivian were stunning. With the confetti as they came in & the candles & roses by the isle. Really nice touching. I can say I had a great night.
So I read this blog. This guy, his friends call him Didi Whoa. I don't know why. Weird eh. But, he is funny though. His post about looking for a girlfriend is hilarious. Heh.
Okay. I guess that's all for now.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Hello blogger & my beautiful readers :)
Well as you can see. I look like I am in my mood. But no, I am in a serious level of anxiety. I feel like I want to drop everything, forget about it and just live my life as it is & go with the flow. Same thing as not expecting things to be completely perfect. But, I can't. I just had to wake up & expect that things will be like what I expected. So much to expect that I don't even understand the word anymore. I am very sulky nowadays cause life is fucking resentful. *sigh.
Anyway, let's move on. I do not get what is wrong with people in Facebook. They keep on hating each other like that's the only thing to do. Tidak bolehkah kamu give some love? And I do not get the term of "to help students get to know each other" after reading the article. I guess they meant stalking. No, Facebook is way better back then when pilaks doesn't know about it. Like seriously, long-but-not-your-real-name is like, bitch get a life like right now. K, I'm being a bad ass unicorn ninja right now. STOP! Okay.
The only social network that is safe right now is tumblr.
What did you guys did to day eh, readers? :)
I had an awfulsome(awful+awesome)day I guess. Went to see baby work then off to the movies with Alyn and her boyfie. So I was a complete forever alone. We watched Happy Feet 2. Eric, the baby penguin is the most adorable thing in this fucking universe. I swear. Then, while watching the movie, I heard them calling Eric 'Mr. Fluffy Butt' and I started calling baby that. Oh, did I say we walked in the rain just to see baby? *deepsigh. Although Alyn and I had a hard time walking in the rain, atleast we were together. We were laughing all the way until we reach the place. We're bestfriends & I hope to keep this friendship forever. She is the only person who can make me laugh the whole day without pretending it. BUT I still miss 2009.
”Money couldn't buy friends but you got a better class of enemy.” - Spike Milligan (1918–2002) British comedian
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
LJ, all I want for Christmas is you
Today. all I did was nothing(..well not literally). Yes. I am going to blog about it. Cause this is my blog, you ignorant fuck *british accent*. There will be no pictures in this entry. Cause I just feel like ranting. Anyway. I was supposed to go out with my girlfriends today. But no. I ended up staying home. A very long miserably depressing story. Indeed.. So, I watched TV the whole morning till' afternoon. Then later, Sean & I took out our tortoise from the pond. Played with it for awhile. After that, I went sketching. It's decent. Although it's not really that good. I got the inspiration from tumblr. Yes, the social network that really is super relevant with everyone. Umm, so. I've been reading the British and American terms. To me, American terms are way better than British. But, I cannot resist guys with British accent. I will literally die. I will someday be married to a British guy, and have blond haired baby with blue eyes. Oh the fantasy I'm having right now is unbearable. I deify them. But there are still other good things in the world besides my fantasy. Like the wishlist I am going to make for Christmas, for example. Gilalah. I am so having the Christmas spirit! I can't wait for it to come. Christmas shopping, family reunites, caroling. Everything will be so wonderful. I am now imagining it while blogging. Pictures are all in my head. If only I could post pictures and all of you would be excited like me :) Though abang will only be here on December 23rd and be back by the 29th. He's gonna face his last exam for his first semester. Good luck brother! I love you & all the best in everything that you do.
I've been spending 2 weeks in every level of hell. I wish this would all go into an end.
Christmas, please be fast.
Labels: christmas mood on
Monday, November 21, 2011
Real eyes, realize, real lies.
LJ darling, I have loved you for a thousand years,
I'll love you for a thousand more.
I am not happy with my life right now. I am going to be MIA after this. LJ and I are breaking up. I told her about how I felt when she changed. "I change because I wanted to test you" she said. I didn't get her. I wanted her to explain more. But, I can't help it. I couldn't think straight. My mind wasn't functioning well cause of my massive headache. As hard as I try not to cry. I can't. Reading her texts made me so weak.
"I want you to cheer me up like you used to. Look me in the eyes and tell me you're there. But, you're always too busy for me." I replied. November probably is a busy month. I feel like I'm abandoned by everyone else.
Everyone is happy. I'm here handling this weight of depression. " I'm going through this alone. I'm facing all this by myself. " I told her.
..I had no one else to turn to
On 3rd of February 2011. 12am sharp. I remember fireworks.
9 months 18days since it happened.
Everything was going perfectly. I was never this happy.
Everything with her looks so heavenly. Just a place where I would want to spend time, forever.
I know I'm still young to be feeling like this.. But, what I feel is surreal. A mix of fact and
fantasy. Nothing can be compared to this.
Far from what I expected. Until this happen.
There is a garden in every childhood, an enchanted place where colors are brighter, the air softer, and the morning more fragrant than ever again. -Elizabeth Lawrence
My garden had become a wilderness of weeds and bushes. -Me
When it’s all said and done at the end of the day, I can say I made a difference in life. Although my behaviour becomes more and more unusual.
The sun was shining, but it wasn't that warm.
Expectations is the root of all heartaches.
not gonna expect, anymore..
3rd February 2011, 12pm
the highlight in my year of 2011
..I'm not ready to let go
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Happy 17 years of living, baby
Happy 17years of living baby<3
LJ is 17 now. We celebrated her birthday yesterday and, it went quite well actually. Even though it didn't happen the way I planned it to be. But, it's okay. As soon as I got into Centerpoint, I went & find for LJ's present. I was blurred for awhile cause' LJ said she wasn't sure if she's going out since I told her I'm not going to join them. So I had to tell her I was. When she reached Centerpoint, I told her I was still on the way. I had to ask her to wait at Nike. I'm not gonna say what shop did I went into. But I bought her a blue tee, and a frame with our picture. She said she really like it. I just hope she means it. Then, after that had our lunch with Ani & Pm :) Later, we went to Waterfront. Baby and I had apple juice, Ani & Pm had orange juice. We talked and laugh a lot. We decided to shisha. And no. Not all girls that do this are bad & some people don't shisha to look cool. Daddy picked me up at 8pm.
So I can say, I enjoyed yesterday :)
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
He popped into your head, didn't he?
He's cute. He's tall. He got gorgeous eyes. Stunning smile
I've been in my room since 11am. Now it's almost 3pm. I miss baby so much. She's working. I finally get to let her go to work without me being mad. Honestly, I don't want her to get a job for this holiday. But, she wants it so bad. What can I do. I can't say no. I don't know why. I just can't.
Anyway, I woke up around 8am. Then, I checked my phone. Like I always do. & there, a meaningful text from baby.
"I will never ever get bored with you" baby said..
That's the best part of the text. I started my day with a big smile on my face as I read it.
It's GC's Showcase tomorrow! Couldn't be more excited. I just wish baby could go with me. But, she has to go to work. But since it's her birthday on Friday. I'm going to surprise her. I'm going to see her after she finish working at Sutera. I am going to hug her tight and wish her Happy Birthday then later on Friday, I'm going to bring her out and spend time with her and her friends. Since, I've always been bringing her out with my friends, and it got a little bit awkward with her. So, tomorrow, I'm bringing her friends to tag along with some of my bestfriend too, so it wouldn't be really awkward.
Now, I just have to think what to give baby as her present. I know it's kinda late to make something up. I can't figure out anything. Sigh. I need to run away from reality for awhile.
P.S. I love you.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Greyson Chance; hitz.fm KK
I finally have the ticket for Greyson Chance's showcase. Didie and I went to Servay Penampang at first for the 4:45pm. Then to Shell at Kepayan at 6:45pm. It was fun actually. Even though the questions was, kinda confusing. Feeling so excited to get the Hitz.fm KK tee. They gave us random question. They asked us to guess how many are the pages for the new Breeze magazine. Samantha, me, and the other 2 guys answered 32. We got it correctly! That was the exact answer. Since there's only one tee. They asked us to type 'Cassie, Rica and Sheryl are the announcers for hitz.fm kk' in our phone. So I was the first one to finish typing. See. There are benefits for people who likes to text 24/7.
Anyway, let's put that aside. I woke up around 7. Then, waited for LJ's text. She texted me around 9 something, Then she had something to do. So I had to wait again. Untill 11am. Then, when she texted me. She was on her way to work. Then I knew that, she can't text me while she was working. So I said "Okay. Text me later when you're done working" She replied "Okay. takecare". Knowing that she's only free at 11pm literally killed me. Now I'm trying to think positive that she's not with anyone I don't know. *sigh. Okay. Atleast she texted me at 5pm just now.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
You know, it really hurts to see us this way. I hate feeling that after all I did, is still not enough. I tried not to hold anything back. This relationship I'm having with you is like something I never had. I realize I've been treating you like shit lately, it's cause I want you to pay your attention to me for a while. Just for a while. Am I not important to be given a little attention? Please don't make me think that this isn't worth to hope anymore.
Am I losing you? Why are we fading away?
I'm trying to keep this relationship longer, and you're there acting like we're nothing. One day, you're gonna realize what I did to save this thing we're going through. I tried to be strong for you. 9 months, worrying if there's someone else. You don't know how it feels like. It's literally killing me. If I didn't have this feelings for you, I would've let you go. But, no. I didn't. I stayed strong. Until now. I said I'd never let you go and I never did. I'm sorry. Sometimes, I get jealous thinking that someone could actually make you happier than I could.
I know I have a lot of friends, but I still feel very lonely. Is it wrong to know if someone's actually there for me? Or maybe there is no one.
People say that I'm over-thinking, I care about that someone too much, always on the internet, always keeping these hurtful feelings to myself, etc etc. I agree with all. I should lay off and, stop stressing myself out. Yes, I should. Starting tomorrow.
The way I loved you
I'm the best you're ever gonna get.
Had fun with my classmates yesterday at Suria. It was our class party combined with Vicky & Syaza's farewell party. I'm seriously going to miss them. Anyway, our plan was to eat at KFC but, someone lost our class money. Such a fucker. So, we ended up eating in Chicken Rice Shop. Vicky came right after we finish eating. Well, actually she was supposed to join us for lunch but, it took awhile for her parents to let her go out. Then, Sheline asked me to fetch Vicky at the entrance cause they didn't want her to find out about the cake we bought for her and the present Yusreena bought. So, when Vicky and I reached at le shop, all of us sang Happy Birthday to her. :)
Here's a picture of her with the teddy Yusreena bought for her.
And this is Sheline feeding Syaza the cake. Hah.
Everyone had a great day :)
After that, went to Centrepoint with Azlin and the others. Went to Kbox. I love singing with her! I just love her voice. Then, after that. I followed her, she sent me home. After I got home, found out that mom's heading to Le Meridian. If I knew, I would've gone back at night. Sucks for me. But atleast I had fun with ma babes :)
It's holiday and not sure what I'm going to do. I want to make this holiday memorable. I mean, my holidays has always been the same. Going out with friends, go back home late, eat, sleep, internet.
A day before holiday, I thought of going to piano & electric guitar class. So I had a short conversation with mom this morning. "So mom, this holiday. We're not going back to KL." Mom said, "Yeah, we're not. Why?". I replied "I'm thinking of going for piano class and if possible, electric guitar too. If.. that's okay with you". Then the pizza we ordered came, "We'll talk about it later." mom said. But no, we did not have the 'we talk about it later'. I'm guessing it's a no for an electric guitar. I'll figure something out. Tomorrow, I'm going to do some stuffs, let me put it out in point so it's easier.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Sukantara is done. So, no more sports for now. It's the 10th of November and, the last time I checked my calendar was the 1st of November. I can't seem to feel the time. Hmm. How was your past few days, eh? I actually get to overcome my tiredness. Holiday is finally coming. Just one more day to go. & goodbye school days for 2011. I had great experience, good & bad memories, dramas and I learned that being a teenager, has great responsibility. Those memories & experience I had this year is going to make me stronger & wiser for my next 15 years of living & I learn from my mistakes and obviously, I'm not going to repeat it next year. Cause if you make the same mistakes twice, it's not a mistake. It was your choice.
I finally got my all my Excel paper. And guess what, I only failed one. Not that I'm proud that I failed.
I can't believe I passed my Science and History. I'm overwhelmed. Even though I failed my Maths. When my father asked me about it, it sent chills down my spine. Nothing came out of my mouth cause it worries my guts to see his reaction. I never pass my Maths. Should fucking stop over reacting
Okay, let's just keep that aside. My mind is not functioning well. I feel doing things at one time. I want to sketch, take pictures & read. But here I am blogging about it. I have nothing else better to do since I didn't go to school today cause fucking predictable it was going to be boring. They had their convocation in school. I think the only ones who went was the participants. And so, I saw their pictures in Facebook, sadly to say. It looked like they had fun. So, I decided to go to school tomorrow since LJ said we're going to have gotong royong. Should I bring my DSLR?
Please, just don't give me false hope.
Is it wrong to give it a try?
I'm still working on my photography skills. There's nothing much to take pictures of in this house. I should go out. Maybe to the beach or somewhere. But I need someone with knowledge about this photography stuffs. You, perhaps? *smirked.
This is my Dream Catcher. I bought this in Malacca. I wanted to buy the necklace too, but. I couldn't think of any outfits that I have would go with the necklace. & now that I have one. I regret not buying it. Everything in Malacca was cheap! Really. Jonker Street is full with stuffs you can't find in Kota Kinabalu. I now can say that I'm filling myself with regrets. *sigh.
Let's move on and forget about it. Anyway, I woke up around 7am. And, went back to sleep for like 40minutes or something. Then, I took my breakfast. Had a piece of bread and drank warm water. I sat down for a while. Watched TV. Then mom asked me to go sweep the garage. So I did. Guess what? While sweeping the garage, I found this bracelet. It wrote 'Lucky' on. I should try my luck. Maybe I'll ask my mom if I could go out tomorrow and wear this bracelet on. See if she lets me. *wink.
So that's the bracelet. Can you see the writing? :)
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
"Cause you shine my world like no one else & I love you."
Sunday, November 06, 2011
"You fought them off so gallantly & won"
I just love my eyes here. This kinda shows the real me. I got bored and this is what happened. I really need to find a hobby. I mean, something that doesn't involve money cause I really need to be on my budget. I need to keep a balance. I've been spending too much money lately. Buying cloths I know I'm not gonna wear. I need to donate. Or maybe sell them. Been thinking bout that. Anyway, it's 5:10pm. Good evening everyone! :)
Don't stop the party
Is anyone there?
I've never been this tired in my life. But I had fun. Merentas Desa was tiring. Even though I ran alone. I mean, it's better. I don't have to spend more time on walking & talking then ended up being the last one to be back to school. Yeah. I passed by so many people that day. SO PROUD OF MYSELF. Anyway. So many things happened that day and.. kind of hurt me but I tried to stay strong and positive. I fought the urge of getting into a fight with baby. Cause she didn't know how hurt I was. So I forced a smile.
I wasn't ready in the first picture. But, hey. Look at my hair. I love it and the third picture is actually my first picture with Nurul. So, like I said, I forced a smile. Well at least after the event. Baby and I went to perdana park to have our lunch. Then later that day. We talked about things & about how we felt, about those things. Then we walked back to pekan to wait for my dad. Umm, so I can say it was a productive day.
"I wanted you to fight for me."
On Saturday afternoon. I watched ' The last song '. I watched it twice already but it never really got me bored. Miley Cyrus is a good actress and Will is quite cute actually.
That night, after going to church, I went to lifeteen. And it was movie night! We watched this movie about caring for others, don't judge and learn to appreciate. It was touching & saddening. It made me feel like I want to be a better person. I should. Then again, the movie is sort of like Glee but in Christ version. Still, it made me feel like crying but, Jason was right next to me. Jason with his galaxy tab. Sheesh. And so. Today. I woke up around 7:10am. Took my bath, brushed my teeth and got myself ready with my blue cardigan & jeans. Slip my slipper on and off to Sunday School. Went breakfast with my Auntie and Sean after that. Saw Dann, Robin and those people I used to be close with. I didn't even say hi. Oh I bought this bracelet that cost me about rm5.
I love it and I'm gonna wear it everyday. <3
Thursday, November 03, 2011
I want to make it forever
9 months together baby. <3
9 months is a very long time. But it felt like 9 weeks with baby. I'm having too much fun with her. & besides, time goes by so fast now. I wish it would slow down so that people would stop doing what they're doing and look around to see what's happening. Deaths are increasing. People doing open-burning here and there. Throwing babies, killing them. If you don't want them, don't fucking have sex. When you know you're not going to take care another innocent life. Cutting trees to make new buildings. Car accidents. & recently a collision between an oil truck and a train. What is going to happen to the world? Humanities are decreasing. I'm not sure what I want to say here, but. People have to realize that world may end anytime. Start appreciating mother nature people! Fucking serious here.
Good Thursday morning everyone. I woke up & decided to post something in this dead blog. When I woke up, and I saw someone texted me. I couldn't really be thinking anyone would text me as early as 6. I opened it and saw 'mine<3'. It was baby. She said "Happy 9th monthsary babe. I love you so much" a short sentence like that could mean the world to me. I never thought that we would get this far. I mean, I didn't expect this. Then I almost forgot it was our monthsary when I was the one who reminded her last night when we were on the phone. Talking about that. Last night, we talked and talked. Mostly about stuffs we did together in the past. & it made me smile. Then, when we decided to change the subject into what she did when she was small. I can't imagine sleeping while listening to her stories. Cause I actually did fall asleep. I can't help it. I was so tired. Anyway it's 1 minute to 10:47am. and I should probably get ready for school now. Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Lives. *sighs. Okay. Bye now!
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you ought to stay