Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
I bet you don't know meCassie Audrey FIFTEEN. TAKEN, 030211. 130297.
LJ is everything to me. I like novels & the colour blue. I give (o) fucks to haters. I always get inspired by passionate people doing what they fancy about. I like to say what's on my mind, whether it bothers people or not.
— Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Besides blogging? CLICK!▼ Twitter
Blogs I adore.▼ IzushiNico
▼ Samantha Natasha Miles
▼ Captured Memories
Forever Doesn't Exist▼October 2011 ▼November 2011 ▼December 2011 ▼January 2012 ▼February 2012 ▼April 2012 ▼May 2012 ▼June 2012 ▼July 2012 ▼August 2012 ▼September 2012 ▼October 2012 ▼November 2012 ▼February 2013 ▼March 2013 ▼May 2013 ▼June 2013 ▼July 2013 ▼August 2013 ▼November 2013 ▼December 2013
Credits©2009 Glamouresque. All rights reserved.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
I need some rest
It's been 6 days, hmm? How are you readers? I missed blogging. Since I have some time to waste now, I decided to blog.
The past few days has been, awkward. Too awkward that I can't taste the food when I'm eating. Anyway, let's start on Wednesday. In the morning, I thought it would be a great day. But it turned out the opposite way. Umm, while I was in my school bus, the first day in those two months I've been following that bus, the bus driver finally have the sense to tune the radio to Hitz.fm. All these while, she tortured my ears by letting us listen to songs I can't even...sigh. Right after that, I thought it would get better.. Guess what? It got worst. The bus had to go into a puddle and stuck there like forever. Then again, at least we don't have to listen to something crappy the whole time. It was actually funny.
Hmm, during school, I got into a fight with LJ. Early in the fucking morning. It hurt me so badly but I can't do anything but to hold my tears in and pujuk her. I realize I've said some stupid things to her. But she can't make me feel even worse. If only I can tell her how I felt when I saw her looking at her ex the way she used to look at me, if I can tell her that I saw 'that girl' hold her hand again when I already told her not to. Last year, they hold hands infront of me, this year, the same thing happened. Don't she think that it will fucking affect my feelings? My heart drops when she doesn't care. She doesn't care most of the time. But I'm still holding on because I care. Because this relationship means so much to me. She's just different now... When she treats me like a princess, I thought I was the only one being treated like that. But it goes the same to most of the girls. :(
My heart needs all the rest it could get from all this crap. I don't know how much more pain it can hold. I just need time...
Hm, I'm going for the Seminar Score A today. And Neila would be there! Hope to see her later. I better go now and get ready because UMS is like 16725371098152 kilometers far from my house. Bye!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
What you mean to me
You make me happy, you make me sad.. You make me have doubts. You're the reason why Im hurt most of the time. I'm deeply in love with you. I can't afford to lose you. When I feel like letting go, I remember the reasons why I held on so long.. I miss you. I mean the old you. I really do. The new you suck as hell. I miss having the thought that you'd be there no matter what, the thought you'd never let me down. But I feel like everything has gone to waste thinking what I felt was real. I just hope, this time.. My downfall wouldnt hurt as much as 'he' made me feel. Please stay. *sigh*
Labels: Feelings. Grief.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
After being with so many douche bags(well, not more than 10), this is the first time getting a flower on Valentine's Day. It's from LJ. Yes, and chocolates too. It was the most amazing feeling ever. It's because I've never been in that kind of situation where everyone starts to stare at you as you walk in the class and have to go so far to reach to your seat, holding a flower with a chocolate, especially given by someone you love. I totally didn't see this coming my way. Words can't say how happy I am. I'm just grateful.
Okay, it's been 3 days after my birthday and, it was as all the years before. No cakes, no friends to celebrate it with except for going out for dinner with my family. It's not that bad. But, it sounded so dreadful knowing that I have extra class on my birthday. I guess since I'm facing my PMR this year, I'm just gonna pass it real fine. It's okay. I still have next year, that is if the world still exist. I believe in God. He has plans for each and everyone of us here. So.. I'm going to leave it all to Him.
So as you know. I broke my little finger. It was an accident. I was playing rugby with my dear classmates, and form 4 wanted to have a match. So, why not. We thought we could play it by the rules but, you know how bitches are. So, me and my other 9 classmates(and that is Hazel, Alyn, Blanchie, Sherly, Rosemary, Pamella, Clarissa, Syaffa, Leanne) stupidly-agreed regardless. Despite the prevailing circumstances. So as we played, the form 4s started to do illegal things. Like hitting the opposite. But I'm glad I kicked one of the form 4. Kekeke. Blablabla. Someone pushed me, and accidentally stepped on my finger, there I was.. Nothing came through my mind besides crying like fuck. Hahaha. Because it really hurts. I felt so cacat right after that. Sighs. That night, I went to the hospital, the doctor asked me how it had happened, so they laughed after hearing what I had to say. It's not funny at all.. ..okay maybe a little. But, the x-ray was. I don't know what I can even say about it. The next day, I went to school, and everyone was like "ee. kesian oh you. what happened?" "ee. you okay?" "ee. sakit tu kan" and there was I, explaining 3470317053 times how it happened. Despite all that, I now am infront of my laptop, waiting for LJ to come home, waiting for my Iphone to finish updating. While all my friends are in school studying giving their everything because we're gonna face our first semester test. I'm a total fag. *sighs* finger, please heal fast.
After 3 years owning this DSLR, I finally have a name for it. So meme. Don't you think? I finally decided to name it, *drum rolls*
--->> Kichōna <<---
I know it sounds ridiculous, but I love it. It means 'precious'.
Subject changed, the world needs to change. Then Neila rephrased it to "you need to change the world". I don't know. Though I am older than her, to be honest, she inspires me so much. Really. She's a really great person.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
I find peace in solitude
My heart, it breaks at the thought of her holding you. Does she look at you the way I do?
I don't see the point we say we love each other. I don't see the point of me letting my feelings out to you but you don't even seem to care. Do you know how hurtful it is? No you don't cause I've always tried my best to treat you right though it hurts. But you. What surprises me is that, after all these while.. you still don't know the differences whether I am okay or not. So you had to ask me if I am when you can clearly see that I'm not. WHAT IS THIS. You caught me into this mess. You make me feel miserable, always. You're the reason why I'm always feeling insecure. You never mean anything you said. Everything with you was a lie. If only you would stop pretending, everything would've been okay, would've been fine. *holds back tears in.* sigh.
My birthday is in like 2 days. I guess I'm just going to spend it like every other suck-ish year. I thought at least, I can change something this year. Or maybe just for one time, to be with someone I love on my birthday. Why is that so fucking hardddddddd. Adrenaline.
Hello readers! Sorry for being such an attention seeker. Lacking of friends to tell my problems to. HAHAHA. Lol. K ja lah. Aaaanyway. It's a Saturday night. I spent my whole afternoon till' evening learning this 'song' on my piano. Because I wanted LJ to hear it. But, I decided not to call LJ tonight and play it for her. I am tired. Haha. I now have 2 music classes to go. Piano and guitar. Why guitar? Because my mom asked me to. While I can actually play it already. Nevermind, it's okay. Just to fill my free time and to make my skills even better. I can't wait for the debate & choir tryouts! OH EM GEE. It's all next week! It's gonna be a hectic week. Yayy! At least something to be excited for. Okay probably not too excited 'cause then I would have high hopes on getting into those two teams and ending up somewhere I don't want to be. Then it would be a huge disappointment if I don't get any place in those teams, WHAT EVEN IF MY FRIENDS MAKES IT EXCEPT FOR ME. Lagilah~ what the heck.
This is me today; I woke up at 4:30am. Got ready for school at 5. Supposed to follow the school bus, but I decided not to because of some unwanted things happened. Then Azlin was the one who fetched me this morning. Got in school, talked to Shera. Took my breakfast with LJ. Had our nilam, but ended up sweeping the floor. Eee. Bikin malu. First period was maths, then geo followed by sejarah, recess ERT, BI then BM. Ee. Still got the susu kacang in my bag.
ADAM LEVINE IS LIKE FUCKING HOT OKAY. OH MY GOSH. I WANT TO DIE.
Thursday, February 09, 2012
Revealing their depths
You know how people nowadays tend to make things harder? Like me for example. I am having the worst period cramp right now and yet I don't want to eat just because. I am putting everything on hiatus for a sec. Which is dumb like fvckyeah. I should get my rest. I deserve it!
I am so tired. I am worn out I can't barely open my eyes now. So this is my second attempt of blogging when I'm sleepy. Hope I get to do this without any spelling mistakes. Anyway, talking about spelling. Since its 'Language Month' in our school, I'm not sure in other school lah. But ya, back to the story, I and my friends (Blanchie, Alyn, Hazel and Shera) took part for the 'spell-it-right' thingy. It's just like Spelling Bee. Out of 51 participants, only 13 or was it 14 people get to go through the next round and guess what. I am not one of the 'lucky' girls. I was asked to spell 'reservoir' but I for got about the 'r' after the 'e'. Then I feel like I am the dumbest girl ever. But it's okay. Since there's 5 of us following the spelling thing, at least one of us got in the next round, and yes. That's Hazel. Did I tell you about her lately? I don't think so. Nevermind, maybe later when I am wide awake.
Thennnnn, after that.. I tried joining bola baling, and I'm not sure if I am able to handle this. I am joining too much activities this year. I have to keep my head in my studies for PMR. *le sigh*
Subject changed, LJ is going to take tuition class and that means, less time to spend with her lah. *le sigh again* what can I do. I can't say no juga. It's okay. I have something to tell her but, nervous breakdown. I shall die.I can't take this anymore. Hm. But I should just live with it then KAN. Okaylah. I think I should sleep. Hakuna Matata babies <3
BY THE WAY LJ, I AM NOT OKAY. I WISH YOU WOULD REALIZE THAT. EVERYTHING IS GETTING HECTIC WITH YOU NOW. WE'RE NOT CLOSE ANYMORE. THOUGH WE SEE EACH OTHER EVERY MORNING THEN, YEAH. IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME ANYMORE. I MISS YOU SO MUCH. :( I love you sayang~
Monday, February 06, 2012
The past may hurt but it may make you smile. Depends. But what I've learnt is that, to leave your past behind. I just don't get why I can't. I've tried so many zillion times trying to move on about LJ's past. I just can't seem to not bother about it. I just have to bring it up every time and it sucks cause that's all there is to it. I think I'm the only one bragging about someone's EX. Well, not that I know of...
I need to get more legit than ever now. I need to stop making my time unoccupied so that I won't have a sudden flashback and pretend to be okay when I am actually at the highest level of depression if there is any. I need to stop having doubts on LJ ba kan. So that I'd stop all this shitz. Yknow what I mean.
I can't believe I forgot what Hakuna Matata means. Bah, Imma call it a night.
BTW HAKUNA MATATA EVERYONE.
Sunday, February 05, 2012
MY HEART IS OUT AT SEA
You know how hard it is for me to accept that? I'll be okay. Is that what you want me to say?
I've went through a lot of heartaches and this one is the worst that you have ever given to me. I know I'd sound stupid for saying this but, I don't deserve of what you did to me. No one deserves to be treated like that. Someday, I wish I could prove you wrong. Then again, I will.
Keep calm and carry on.
It's been few days, hmm?
I wish I would just have one positive day when I could just lay down and get rid away all my stress, worries and insecurities. I just want to feel happy and alive. I have no confidence in myself. Low self-esteem that is. I tend to lie to myself that I feel like I am actually happy but I'm not. I feel lost. I tempt to bring myself down to the lowest level of my comfort zone. I don't know why I even allow myself to be feeling like this. I think because mainly of what I just said so, I attempt to make myself stronger to fix myself so that I would have something to remember when I die. Cause the goal isn't to live forever. The goal is to create something that will.
Earlier today, I went and send brother to the airport 'cause he's going back to KL. I sometimes would feel casual, but idk. It saddened me to see him leave again after 3 weeks. Even if it's just 3 weeks, me and my family made it worth. I can't wait until he comes back permanently, and that would be in the middle of 2013. Though he annoys me so much. He's my brother.
Oh! I'm sorry I didn't get to update on the exact day of my 1st Anniversary w LJ. Ahhhh. Finally we're at this level. Second stage. There were countless times where I felt like I could just sit there reminisce those times we had together. Times where we make it worth to be alive for. You'd know what I mean if you're in a relationship. But sometimes, I tend to have flashbacks about what hurts me the most which I should have forgot about ages ago. Unfortunately, I failed to do so. Refraining the past won't make things any better once I have my unnecessary flashback about what should be forgotten.
But I still love you even with how much heartaches you put me through. Although it took me six months to realize how I can make this a long unconditional relationship. I mean, we can make it together if we just trust each other. Kan?
Did I mention that we'll be having our first semester test this coming 27th of February? Anyway, yeah. But I'm not determined. Fvck. Yet I'm consuming myself with studying. Everyone had to deal with this mind-fuck when we were told. Everyone was like "Astaga. Awal juga. Matilah." And some didn't give a damn. I'm like bitch yu ken go dai nao. It is sick to know that there's people thinking they can do it without studying or don't mind if they fail this test cause I'm here like giving my everything to gain lots of knowledge I can get to make my name in the first column in the list of "murid-murid cemerlang" or atleast to get my name on the first page. Gahhh. I am currently at the second page. *heartbreaks* Failing would be feeling like a shitload of problems and if I do... I will kill my cat (I don't even have a cat which leads to not killing any cat lol I kid).
I am too powerful to be defeated! I AM INVINCIBLE. *poker face* Me gusta.
FYI don't even try to provoke me or I will do something illegal to you and when you wake up, you'll be waking up underwater.
Lol. Jk. Hahaha.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
It's the 1st of February, and I don't know how it has been. But, what I can say here is that. The attempt of accomplishing my assignments are going well. Extra classes will start by next week. I can say that I am excited in a way. But it kills me inside knowing that will be having extra classes on my birthday. Forlorn all the way.
Worst feeling ever.
It hurts me so much knowing that I have a friend like *tutt*. I thought she was nice. I mean she is. But, memang I don't like her since ever lah. I thought she change ba. She didn't. Let me just say spill it out.
I DON'T LIKE IT BA WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO GO NEAR LJ. IT BOTHERS ME. UNLESS IF I LIKE YOU THEN I'M OKAY WITH IT. IT'S SUPER ANNOYING.
I sometimes feel like slapping you in the face. Though you're fragile and I don't have the heart to slap you, I will one day and not care if you cry.
Gahh. I can't stand it. I had this talk with Blanchie during Sivik, and.. Now then I know how is *tuutt*'s actual attitude. Hm. I trusted her ba. During science the other day, I was supposed to confess to her about something and supposed to say it to her face, but I told her I'm better telling her through writing. Till now, I don't have the guts to give it to her. I am a fag.
..wait, how come it is my fault now? For not making her realize about her bitchy attitude? Hm ok. I feel like giving up on changing her for good. I mean, I can fix this but I just don't see the point. I have to wait for the right timing kan? Okay. I'll wait.
I love roses. I love the red ones more than the white ones. I've been waiting for someone to give it to me, but no one ever does. I want a glorious protector, a prince *tears of joy hahaha*. I want to be treated as a princess. I like it when someone that I love calls me "sayang". It sends chills down my spine. My hair doesn't go the way I want it to be. I like reading novels. Mostly during times I have nothing best to do. I love drinking tea. I dance when no one's around. I sing my heart out when I'm in my room and act like I own the world. I am a queen in my kingdom. I daydream a lot, like alot lot. I hate it when my face is oily. Especially my hair. I looooove chocolates. I love the color blue. I like summer. I love going to the beach. My anniversary w baby is this 3rd of February, on Friday. When I say I love someone, I mean it. When I say I hate it, I will hate if for the rest of my life. I get hurt easily, but I don't show it unless if it really hurt me. I will cry and not care about what people think. I used to think Superman is real. I used to wish that I had powers. I still do actually
BECAUSE I AM AWESOME LIKE THAT YO
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you ought to stay