Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
I bet you don't know meCassie Audrey FIFTEEN. TAKEN, 030211. 130297.
LJ is everything to me. I like novels & the colour blue. I give (o) fucks to haters. I always get inspired by passionate people doing what they fancy about. I like to say what's on my mind, whether it bothers people or not.
— Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
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Blogs I adore.▼ IzushiNico
▼ Samantha Natasha Miles
▼ Captured Memories
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Sunday, January 29, 2012
Age doesn't matter
I just got back from Sunday School. To be honest, I'm glad that I'm in the class I'm supposed to be in. For a sec there, I thought it's going to be the old same Sunday Class. But, Uncle Charles, the one teaching us for this year is amazing. Words can't describe how inspiring he is.
So, I would like to say few things here as I play the pictures through my head. Anyway, I was on my way home. I saw this 2 old couples. I don't know what words can I say to tell you that, it was the most amazing thing that I've seen for the past of my 29 days of 2012.
As my car passed them by, I looked at them. I can see that they're happy together, walking by the trees. I've heard people say "to grow old together". I've tried to make myself believe and understand the sentence that's coming out from their mouth. Until I saw what I saw today. It makes me feel that, the impossible, is possible. What more when you grow old with that someone you love and reminisce the past together. I'm just wondering if I will ever get to reach where they are now. It bothers me to know where I'll be in another 10 years. What if I fail in life. Oh sigh. Still 1283618 days early to be worrying about that. I've just got to be ready for my PMR this year. I will die.
If I fail my PMR, I would feel a shitload pouring down onto my face. Well not literally, that would be disgusting. Hahaha. Life has been treating me, okay lately. From me, there are few kinds of okay. Like okay okay or oh okay or okayy. You know how it feels like not to know how to spell one word and then you stare at it then you question its existence? That's me now.
Subject changed again.
I want to know. Am I good enough? Like I said, life has been treating me okay. How is okay actually? I have no idea. That's why. But for sure, things have changed. I'm not happy. I tremble to think that we could never return to conditions like it used to. I want to have a proper contact with any anonymous and not be a total fag. What is more bodoh than this. You know, I have this cod name that I keep to myself(at least I could keep this one to my own), I think my parents figured it out. Hahaha. It's really funny when I come to think of it. I can't handle this inside joke anymore. I want to burst my head off, laughing. No pressure, nobody knows it besides me. But I use it always, at home. No one realized until yesterday, my mom started to tegur me about it. All I could do is get into my room laughing my ass off.
Anyway. For the past couple of days, I'm more devoted to stuffs that I've not been touching. Like sorting out my wardrobe & my book shelf. I had no idea that my book shelf would be so full with things that I rarely use or barely know I had them. Even my wardrobe. I thought of donating them then stack a lot more new clothes into my wardrobe, yes? Donating, hmm? What am I thinking.
What is wrong with my internet connection? It is running at it's slowest pace since ever. I've been waiting for this song to buffer like forever already. I might as well stare at my laptop for decades until it finish buffering. Hmm.
The outsiders are intruding bye
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Take it easy
I am not a super hero neither am I spiderman. I am going to save the world... like as if you would believe. I am a maniac. I came from an outer space which is filled with water. I learn swimming at the age of zero.I wail like a cry baby. I crawl like spiderman, i fly like superman, i drive like batman. I live in wonderland. Rugrats is my friend, so is peter pan.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Sorry for the late updates. I was waiting for something to rant about. But no. Still nothing to rant about. But anyway. You know how annoying it is when someone tries to find fault when there is nothing to be pointing fingers at? Well, not that it matters to me. Lol. Fuckyeah it does matter. I don't really like keeping things to myself. I will feel awkward. But mostly my thoughts disturbs people cause my thoughts are fucked up as it is. Look at the one thinking. Okay, that's not the point. But what is happening to the world? Look. There's this bitch and this bastard talking bad things about this bitch. So now. This bitch who's been humiliated involves people who did nothing to her. Bitch, I will wreck your guts. Deepsigh
Leny and I are okay. Though the way I told her about my feelings are decreasing because of the way she's treating me. She took it well. Real well. But, in the other hand. She tried earning it back. She made me laugh like I've never laugh for years. I love you pumpkin! :3
Falling in love all over again.
Subject changed again.
How is everything? You know! We went to Sipitang the other day. Well, supposed to. But, we only ended up in Beaufort. Because, we have to drive like to another 50miles. Dad said he wanted to see the place he used to work at. Then, suddenly, we were on a durian hunting. I used to like durian so much, now I barely want to touch them. Not that I don't appreciate it. But, it smells so bad. Sigh. But I still eat some though. I will get cut by my parents if I don't. Loljk. They would be like "Kenapa kau ne? Bukan kau suka durian ka?" Ysee. Just for the sake of running away from that question I'd eat some. Hahaha. But anyway, the people in Beaufort was nice though some was..um, pilak-ish and have the 'i will rape you' looks. It disturbs me lah juga.
Something relevant to that 'I will rape you' looks, you can't blame how a woman dresses up. I have thought about it since ever. But I just don't have the words to say it.
I believe that women should wear whatever they like and celebrate femininity, sexuality, power dressing, any which way it comes – go for it. Sexual abuse, rape, is about power, it's nothing to do with what a woman wears. I don't think that a woman should cover up and then get respect, I think women should be respected no matter what they are wearing. -Samantha Natasha Miles
That's about it.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
What lies within
Everything has been, fine. Between you & me, to be honest. Not really. For the past few days of not being able to update this blog of mine. I'm honestly sorry. Because of the hectic situation I'm in right now. So many undone works, chores and stuffs. Mostly school stuffs. But since CNY holidays are coming, I'm making myself to find time to keep my blog update & my works done at the same time. 2012 is hard. For the beginning of the year. I've been doing alot of thinking. How am I going to accept the outcome at the end of the year? How am I going to face the truths that lies within. I hope everything will be okay. Or maybe some extremely unexpected things will happen.
Okay. School. Was never at my worst. Atleast I can still balance with my not-so-mighty soul. Hahaha. Okay. I'm shitting. Aaanyway. People at school has been such a bitch lately. Nonono, not all. Don't get me wrong. I like most of you. But some people need to get slashed with my katana so that they could get their mental up right. So much for being a teenage kid. Padahal, you can't even..nevermind.
LJ and I are, not okay. I can't differentiate whether there's a good change in our relationship or not, we've been together for a long time, not really but..yeah. I'm not ready to let go. But I think I should. Well, we shouldve ended this relationship back then, but..somethings just happen for a reason. Fine, I am fucking incompetent. FML
Guess what I found out today? I found the meaning of my name and I don't know whether I should like it or look up to it. It's kind of hard to deal with. Hahaha. Sounds so gete lah my name. Honestly. It said.. "She who entangles men". But atleast I get to know that my name is originally a Greek name. Okay. whatever. It's CNY eve. Suppose to go to my cousin's house tonight. But, feeling kind of lazy. For some reason I can't say here. However, I wish you all a Happy Chinese New Year :) I sorta feel like this entry is lacking of details. Yes? No? Hm...k
Sunday, January 08, 2012
I wanted to start a new life. But, everything looks pretty much the same. What the fuck, I know. Hm. Aaanyway. How's everyone? Today is the 8th day of 2012. Hows 2012 lately? It sucked. Being in the morning session is like hell. Well, not because it's in the morning or because I have to wake up early. It's just that, you know. There's this girl. Yeah. Whatever. She makes me feel everything I'm not. K, changing the topic.
So, school. I didn't update anything since the first day. So here's how it went..
So everyday, I have to wake up 4 fucking 30am. Cause school bus arrives at 5:25am. I'm like.. Bah okay. So, first day of school.. Um, okay la juga. But, I hate sitting far away from my friends. Why bah we have to follow the fucking list name? But, sigh. Nevermind. At least I'm near Blanchie & Clarisa. Or I'll be like.. *awkward silence*. That's the first bad thing that happened on the first day of school. Second! They made me their class monitor. I don't even know what a class monitor does. Great. Just great.
What I hate about being the class monitor is that, I have to carry the books & MOSTLY, getting scolded by Teacher Lim. SAYA BARU BAA. HAIH. Mana la I know what to do. Sheesh. But the rest of the days are..as usual.
As you see. I have tons of homework to do yet, I decided to blog. I'm expert in procrastination, but the last thing I want you think that I am incompetent too, because I am actually pretty good at what I do. You know, I need a grief counselor. Counselor of sorts. I need someone for me to tell my sarcastic problems and bare with it. After that, tell me things I want to hear something good for the outcome. Yes? Atleast for my birthday. Please? Thanks. Oh my. My birthday is coming soon. Well atleast in another month. But..but..but, I don't want to feel old. WHYYYYYYYYYYY. Fuck this period is making my school days suck. Kima. Okay.
Wanna know how's LJ? no? Yes? Well, I'm just gonna say. We're okay. I guess. o____o
Are we? Hahaha. Anyway, we've passed our 11th monthsary & for the first time. I didn't sent LJ any texts about our 11th monthsary. Since we met on the exact date. I hugged LJ and said "I'm sorry for being such a badass. For being the reason why you're hurt. For having this fight a night before our monthsary. I'm sorry for everything. I sayang you. Happy Monthsary bie. I love you" Yes, I said it while hugging LJ. & yes, we had a fight the night before. & it feels so bad knowing that it was so ridiculous & it was a fight over some small matter.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
School, tomorrow? Obviously not ready yet. Though I'm so tired right now. I don't want to fall asleep cause time will go by fast & I'll be so extremely fucking nervous. Like now. The what if's are killing me. I'm just scared. My heart goes dupdapdupdap 10000000000000miles an hour. I'm starting to overreacting over my nervousness. FML. OH FML.
The truth is, I have a shitloads of hatred towards few things right now. But, I like to try giving (0) fucks about it. Cause I don't want to get myself caught into unnecessary problems. Or I'll be the one having shitloads of it. I don't want ba. Enough problems for now.
I can't believe I have a diary. Wait, no. I wouldn't call it a diary though. Journal maybe? You know when the day ends & I just go lay my back and write about how I feel. Lol. Idk why. I sound dumb? Yes. Bah, jadi? K, diam. Hahaha. Aaanyway. It's 9:41pm. I should go to bed. Goodnight beautiful :) Muah
Monday, January 02, 2012
Well, it's here now isn't it. It's 2012. Though leaving 2011 was the hardest thing to do but, facing reality is what we were born for. Not all that crappy stuff. I'm sorry I didn't get to say sorry on New Year to everyone I've hurt. But, I'll say it now anyway. To all my friends, I'm sorry for every single mistakes I did, or anything I've said in the past that might have hurt your feelings. Mom, dad, I love you both. Sorry for being an ass, cause I don't like being compared to others. Not to forget all my uncles and aunties, cousins and all. :) Especially LJ. You've went through a lot for me. & I thank you for that. Sorry for everything I did to you in the past. I hope you'll forgive me. I love you all so much! MUAH! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBADEHH.
Yknow, I really want to change my attitude to be a better person for 2012. That's my goal. For the past year's goal was a hard achievement, so yet better make a simple one this year. I don't want to get my hopes to high. I don't want to expect for the outcome in the end. Cause I know, I'm gonna get hurt & blame others. So cliche. It's okay. I don't want to sound ridiculous and be a total fag. I want to be a wakawakashii cause I'm a kitsune
Aaanyway. 1st day of 2012. How did it went for all of you? I guess locking myself up in the room, on the phone with LJ the whole day & eat is a good start. Not. I had nothing else better to do. :(
Sigh. Punya budu. SURPRISE ME 2012
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you ought to stay